Sad Song of the Day: "The Moon" by The Swell Season

Messages in Dreams

Andrew has been dead for almost 3 weeks now.  For some reason I have been expecting to see him.  Not sure what I was expecting, but I was disappointed that I hadn't dreamt about him yet.  Perhaps since he left the way he did, I wanted him to tell me something I didn't know.  Yes, I received that final text and it did tell me that he loved me--finally.  That isn't enough.  I want to be able to feel him and touch and him and talk to him.  This death experience has been foul for me.  The fact he is not on this Earth anymore still befuddles me and I'm not sure I accept it yet.  He must be in limbo.  His was not a natural death and he must be waiting for open ends to be resolved before passing wherever he needs to go.  Or is that only in the movies?  Where someone like Ricky Gervais can see the dead and they want him to resolve things left open in life--they hound him until he does.  Is that only fiction?  Because I sure as hell want to see him!

I finally got my wish.  No, I didn't see him standing ghostlike in my hallway or something.  The other night I went to sleep dead tired, as always, and unable to sleep.  It's like my head is so restless, but the rest of me just wants to sleep for days.  It's been like this since he died unless I have been on medications.  Terrible insonmia like nothing else.  I went into bed holding onto the legs of the Andrew Bear.  Andrew Bear is a TY stuffed bear who is made of that micro plush material that is softer than silk.  His true name is Patriotic and he reminds me somehow of Andrew and the kids and I needed something to soothe our desire to have him tangibly around us.  I am the one who tends to sleep with it.  I lied there desperately hoping for sleep.  I could hear the television from Sebastian in the living room.  I turned to the other side and slipped into a state of sleep and awakeness.  During this time, which didn't quite seem wholely like a dream or wholely reality, I experience Andrew and I sitting at the computer I am on now.  My mom was directly across from the bar in the living room where she could only see our heads popping over.  He was sitting on the barstool and I was somehow kneeling down next to him and typing something up on the computer.  I have no idea what we were looking up, but we were goofing off with each other.  He was trying to put his hand down my pants and I was coyly telling him that my mom could hear us.  He didn't care and neither did I, truly.  So, I started teasing him back by rubbing on his crotch.  This whole incident is something reminiscent of an incident with Bryan actually, which is rather stumping me. 

Then, Andrew leans down to whisper in my ear as I kiss his neck.  He says, "Why would we waste time doing any of this when we have the capability to enjoy each other with talking and listening?  Then I heard those three words that I craved for years:  I love you.  I didn't get him to say he loved me until the last thing he said to me before he put a gun to his head.  How is that fucking fair?  And then I found out from the girlfriend he had the whole time we were apart that he truly loved me and I had his heart.  Now he is dead and these are things I never knew.  So, I literally woke up, semi awake anyway, in tears.  I have never cried while dreaming, but I woke up with the pain of heartbreak.  I ached for him and those words and some innocent moment like that with him again.  When I figured out what was going on, I lied there for ten minutes and cried hysterically.  I could not control it.  I could still hear the television in the living room.  I don't even think I'd been to sleep for a minute--I have no concept of the time.  I don't know what state I was in.  All I know is that I finally had a dream with Andrew.  That was all I wanted.  And, he told me he loved me again and in the flesh, the way he should have so many years before.

All I want more than anything is to have an hour more with him.  One more conversation.  To touch his face.  Hold his hand.  Look into the saddest green eyes I had ever seen.  Lay next to him in the bed we shared.  No minutes goes by in which I don't think of him.  Even in sleep.  I will never get over this until my life, as well, has ended.  I will go to the grave with this man on my mind.  Someday, however, I know we will be reunited.  I don't know how, but I know we are soul mates.  It wasn't this life, so it will be the next or maybe the next.  I just know deep in my soul that Andrew William Marrari was the other half of my being--the twin to my flame.  We will ignite again!

I love you, Andrew William Marrari!

RIP Andrew William Marrari

The only words I have right now are that I am angry at Andrew for leaving me.  Speechless . . .

Most Passionate Words Written for Another

So, I've decided to write up an article about passionate lyrics.  I've recently made a playlist on iTunes (which I do quite often to remind me of periods in my life) and on it I've included some of the most beautifully written songs.  I'm focusing more on lyrics, though the music, of course, makes or breaks a song.  These songs encompass all genres and I'm asking others on Twitter and Facebook to tell me what they would chose and why.  I guess the whole idea is that everyone wants something written about them.  But the passion involved in these songs makes you feel the love and desire and lust that was involved in the moment of writing the song.  Doesn't every woman want to be a muse?  I know whenever I've written a poem about someone (though I rarely tell them or let them read it), they have been beyond touched and flattered.  But these go beyond poetry and songwriting--these can make you weep or ache or touch yourself or want something more in your life.

Here are a few of my favorites:

A Hundred Kisses by She Wants Revenge

Shake off the rain and dry off


And come inside tonight

You don't have to be alone

You don't have to be, love

You've got the prettiest face that I ever did see

With eyes so sad

Like songs I swear I've known



And I hope to God that you're not pretending

Cause if you are I swear I don't know

What I'm gonna do



But I promise you that I'll be good to you

If you promise that you'll try to love me too

Somehow



(Chorus)

I'd steal a hundred kisses

Before you'd say goodbye

And then make a hundred wishes

In the name of you and I

Cause what we have is secret

So don't let no one know

The past can't come between us if we both just let it go

Today's the perfect day

Today's the day I tell you, oh

If you ever walk away

Then I would die right there for you



Give me your every breath and promise me your world

I don't ask for much at all

All I want is all you've got

Could you be that girl

Are you thinking of me

Or have I projected all of my hopes on you



And I know there'll be nights filled with tears

I know that there'll be fights and fears

But that's a part of it too



So do you think I have the slightest chance to be

Everything to you

Cause you mean everything to me



(Chorus)I'd steal a hundred kisses

Before you'd say goodbye

And then make a hundred wishes

In the name of you and I

Cause what we have is secret

So don't let no one know

The past can't come between us if we both just let it go

Today's the perfect day

Today's the day I tell you, oh

If you ever walk away

Then I would die right there for you

For you


Crack the Shutters by Snow Patrol

You cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator,


And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble "can you wake me later?"

But I don't really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn't stop you

And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day

And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body

I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute

Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you


It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember

Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow

Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers

And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again


Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day

And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body

I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute

Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you
Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day

And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body

I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute

Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you
 
Golden Floor by Snow Patrol
 
Tell me that you want to dance


I want to feel your pulse on mine

Just treat me like a stolen glance

To yourself

A dark shape on a golden floor

A sleeping planet with a molten core

From above we'd cut a slow eight shape

And much more


I'm a peasant in your princess arms

Penniless with only charm

As we're leveled by the low, hot lights

And disarmed


I'm not afraid of anything even time

It'll eke away at everything but we'll be fine


I'm folded in the bread you made

You're cold until my body bathes

You in the heat I kept aside

All these days


I'm not afraid of anything even time

It'll eke away at everything but we'll be fine

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed


When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse.


And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you


And high up above earth or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you


Tears stream, down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I...


Tears stream, down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I...


Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you.

Pace is the Trick by Interpol

You can't hold it too tight


These matters of security

You don't have to be wound so tight

Smoking on the balcony


Well it's like sleaze in the park

You women, you have no self-control

We angels remark outside

You are known for insatiable needs

But I don't know a thing


I've seen love

And I follow the speed in the starlight

I've seen love

And I follow the speed in the star-swept night


Yeah, pace is the trick

And to all the corruption in man...


I see you as you take your pride, my lioness

Your defenses seem wise, I cannot press

And attention's at demise, my lioness

Can't you hurt it some, I think I hurt it


I've seen love

I follow the speed in the starlight

I've seen love

And I follow the speed in the star-swept night

And now I select you

Slow now I let you see how I stun

Now I select you

Slow now I bet you see how I stun


To all the destruction in man...

And to all the corruption in my hand...


And now I select you

Slow now, I let you see how I stun

Now I select you

Slow now, I bet you see how I stun

Now I select you

Slow now, I let you see how i stun

Now I select you

Slow now, I let you

I always follow the speed in the star-swept night


...you don't hold a candle

Little Things Make All the Difference

All it took was a simple phone call to make me happy.  I am that easy to please, apparently.  But, I now have a smile on my face and I feel tons better.  That's all I'm asking for . . .

Song of the Day

When Sadness Arrives

I am just sad. I can explain in so many words, but not really. The one person I would like to understand, can't, or at least doesn't want to try. It is so hard to be a caring person and be with someone who is the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to emotions. It isn't that he doesn't care, he just shows it in different ways that I don't always understand. I have given myself to him, but I feel I am constantly attacked for the way I am. I am asked to change, when he refuses to change himself. I don't want him to change who he is as a person, but some of his actions. You can change WHAT you do versus WHO you are. That doesn't seem to be grasped by him. And at this point, I do not know what to do.

We apparently cannot have in person discussions because he avoids them. Everything we discuss, which has become less and less over the past few weeks, is via text message. There is no tone there. There is no feeling. And I think that is the way he likes it. No emotion in the voice. No body language that can be felt. What can I do?

I am at my wit's end. I can't get through to him. He is unwilling to talk things out. And I am about to burst. I cried myself to sleep once again and have no outlet other than this damn thing, which I have seemed to bring back to life out of the frustration of my relationship.



If I can't talk to him about things, it is futile. The past 4 months has just been a waste for us both. I don't want to walk away: I love him. I don't take that lightly. When I care that deeply for someone, I can't just throw in the proverbial towel and walk away. It is rare that I can feel that way about someone. I've been so torn down over the past few years that my heart is closed off. This is the first time I've allowed it to open in a very long time. I am comfortable with him. He can be amazing. I can see a future with him. But we are just at this impasse that doesn't seem to work its way open. And I am the only one who seems to care to make that happen. I don't think he thinks anything is wrong. Yes, because it all works to his advantage. He sees me when he wants, he talks to me when he wants, he takes me out when he wants, etc, etc. You get the picture. Is is a control issue? I have no idea. I think he totally transfers his past relationships on me. He feels if I address anything, I am attacking him. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not like that at all. I am the most caring, laid back person. People walk all over me. I am nurturing and want others to be happy before myself. I am not passive, but I also care too much. This is a fault of mine. But since I have backed off from him, he thinks I don't care. It's just that I give what I get. I can't allow myself to be hurt again--I just can't. And he is doing that, whether he knows it or not.

He can be mean. The way he talks (erm, texts) me is just plain uncaring and rude. No, it isn't like this all the time, but whenever I dare state how I feel, he gets on guard and attacks. Can't we just have an adult conversation about our relationship? If it meant anything to him, he would arrange to see me where we could have an adult conversation. However, he may not want to because he really doesn't care. Right now, I feel like a nobody to him. That is how I honestly feel. I am so sad. I have to keep it together for my kids, but I just want to break down. I've had so much going on the past couple weeks. I don't even really have a boyfriend to talk to about anything in my life. If I dare, I am doing something wrong. I just can't win. So maybe I should just give up. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions, my faithful readers??

It's Over . . .

You know the relationship is completely over when:

1. He asks if you play the victim often.

2. When you save your ex-boyfriend from killing himself and you are accused of doing something wrong.

3. You haven't seen him in 5 days and won't see him for 7.

4. You have yet another argument via text.

5. Though he is barely high school educated, he seems to think he is smarter than you.

6. He tries psychoanalysis with not even a class on Dr. Phil.

7. Your next date will only happen if you have enough money to pay your own way.

8. You turn off your phone and avoid Facebook because you don't even want to deal with him.

9. Being alone is the better option.

10. Your heart aches and you don't even care anymore.

Song of the Day

Top Things That Mean It's Over . . .

1. When your relationship is based on text messages alone. Arguments should not be done via SMS. Sex should not be had in MMS.

2. You are perpetually sick or broke so you don't have to drive the 30 minutes it takes to get to your signficant other's house. This shows they aren't that significant.

3. You predict the above-mentioned text messages as if they are saved and programmed for morning, afternoon, and evening: "Good morning, babe. How did you sleep?", "Eating lunch now. Will text you later. Hope you are having a good day", and "Goodnight. Hope you had a good day. Sweet dreams."

4. :* and :) cannot substitute real emotions. Emoticons are not love. They are stupid symbols that half the time don't even look like what they are supposed to be. If you have to look at a book to decipher the "emotion" that he feels, you are done.

5. People assume you are married.

6. You feel like you are married.

7. The only sex you have is usually in a dive bar bathroom on the same day of the week, every week.

8. He is just not that into you and you know it.

9. You feel like you could be any girl and it wouldn't matter. YOU as an individual are a cookie cutter to fill his days--when he has the time.

10. His family wonder why you are still around.

11. You'd rather sleep next to your 8-year-old on an air mattress.

12. You have more interaction with Facebook.

13. Your ex boyfriend knows more about your life than he does.

14. You'd be less bored knitting sweaters for your mom's dogs than in your relationship.

15. Your routine is more predictable than "Two and a Half Men" episodes.